I Don't Even Know How

by Miriam Hitchcock

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02:28
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02:21
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01:52
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05:03
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03:30
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03:08
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01:15

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released November 25, 2014

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Miriam Hitchcock Ann Arbor, Michigan

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Track Name: shatter me
shatter me open now
shatter me closed darlin
shatter me in every direction oh baby just shatter me

i forgot what it's like to live this way
to dig in the dirt and to work this way
to laugh and to sing and to love this way
and it's gonna shatter me
i forgot what it's like to feel this way
like i'm wanted and worth it and free this way
but i'm leavin town for good today and it's gonna shatter me

now baby i don't want your courtship
don't even ask me about sex
but sweetheart i do need your friendship
and i can promise to give that back
i don't know what to do
maybe we can compromise
but when im reaching across the ocean for even the tiniest bit of affection your love's gonna shatter me

so shatter me open
and shatter me closed
yeah shatter me open
and shatter me closed
im gonna say yes yes please
and im gonna have to say no no sir
so love me open and i'll love you closed
Track Name: i'm afraid
i'm afraid to leave my bedroom
i'm afraid to talk to any of you
i'm afraid of doing anything, of not knowing what to do

i'm afraid of having opinions
i'm afraid of being wrong one more time
i'm afraid if i say nothing i'll still be on the wrong side

i'm afraid i don't belong here
i'm afraid i'll never belong anywhere
i'm afraid what community i do have will just tear apart at the seams

and i quit my job to grow a vegetable garden
but i haven't touched our vegetable garden even once this year

i'm too tired to call my parents
i'm too tired to write to old friends
i'm too tired to put away my laundry to clean my bedroom to do my dishes to mop the floor like i said i would to get out of bed
to belong to a community

is it the black mold killing me
or the dumpstered peperoni pizza that i ate too loudly
i'm afraid that what community i do have will just tear apart at the seams any time now
Track Name: 2012 slingshot
in the 2012 slingshot organizer for the week of march 19-26
there's a picture of a zombie and the zombie says
"you said you'd love me forever"
and i had to scratch it out

sometimes i think i've tamed my demon but then i figure he's just giving someone else the chase
but either way i know he's been replaced
just wears a different face but he's all over the place, and he says

you said you'd love me forever why have you changed
you said you didn't need boundaries why have you changed
you said you'd never leave me you said you'd love me forever

mom said who are you texting all the time why don't you put your phone away
josh said if he's annoying you just tell him to go away
steve said he told me to find you says he's gonna commit suicide
please why don't you just pick up the phone
isn't that better than letting him die

i don't think he's gonna die
we've been through this seven or eight times
no i don't think he's gonna die, he'll just say

you said you'd love me forever why have you changed
you said you didn't need boundaries why have you changed
you said you'd never leave me you said you'd love me forever

said he couldn't hallucinate touch
if i touched him the pain would fade away
and then he asked me to hold his hand

can i hold your hand
will you please hold my hand
i need to hold your hand
if you loved me you'd let me hold your hand

you said you'd love me forever why have you changed
you said you didn't need boundaries why have you changed
you said you'd never leave me you said you'd love me forever

in the 2012 slingshot organizer for the week of march 19-26
there's a picture of a zombie and the zombie says

you said you'd love me forever and i had to scratch it out
i didn't just scratch it out, i wrote
it's not my fault
Track Name: don't worry
i don't understand anymore what's happening to me i just wanna
tear out of all my skin as if somehow that would set me free and i
wonder how long this will last this time is it something we all push through
do i need a doctor or is this normal how would you know

i'm ok i'm alright please don't worry
i'm ok i'm alright and i'll make it

i'm just being overdramatic i have such a low tolerance for pain
i bet if you were in my shoes right now you wouldn't even feel a thing
and i don't want to claim stigmatized identities that aren't mine
and i'm not entirely convinced that this is what a panic attack is like

i'm ok i'm alright please don't worry
i'm ok i'm alright and i'll make it
and i know i need to take myself more seriously
and i know if i need help then asking is still up to me

have you ever thought a little too long about suicide just to say you've thought it
have you ever considered harming yourself just to have tangible evidence
that the storm inside your head's more like a hurricane than a couple of light showers

i'm ok i'm alright i don't mean it
i'm ok i'm alright i'd never do that
i'm not ok i'm not alright but don't worry about me
i'm not ok i'm not alright but i'll make it
Track Name: melanie
we used to sit in a circle and talk about food
we'd talk about its meaning and what we could do
and maybe we'd have a bake sale to show how good our food tastes
and maybe we'd screen earthlings again to show other earthlings fates
and we'd help each other to make the choices we wanted to make
we held each other accountable and we admitted when we made mistakes
we used to sit in a circle and talk about food

we used to sit in a circle and talk about food
in fact that's one of the first ways i met you
and you asked me on a friend date and we made dinner at your apartment
and your dog wouldn't stop whining and you complained about your flatmate
and we made up the word flatmate because roommate just wasn't accurate
and apartmentmate is too many sylables
and ever since you moved to finland i've missed you
we used to sit in a circle and talk about food

and you said you loved my partner in a platonic way
and you said you loved me in an aristotelian way

we used to sit in a circle and talk about food
we talked about its meaning and what we could do
debeaking detailing heart disease protein
antibiotics egg replacers soy beans
family milk and veal veggie shreds lies
gender roles food desserts mcdonalds fries
school cafeterias labor rights violations
deforestation and mass starvation
we used to sit in a circle and talk about food

and you admitted i was right and you were a feminist too
and you helped me in the garden and i helped you join okcupid
and you told me "don't be evil" when i tried to eat non-vegan food
and you researched vegan condoms and i researched vegan lube
for when we sat in a circle and talked about food

we used to sit in a circle and talk about food
and ever since you moved to finland i'ved missed you
and you gave me a teacup with a picture of a girl from a picture book
and you said "when you drink from this cup, think of me and think of feminism"
and i lost that cup

you said you loved my partner in a platonic way
and you said you loved me in an aristotelian way
Track Name: loneliness
this must be loneliness
i hardly have any friends
but when i think of meeting anyone
all i can think about is how i hate everyone

so give me advice on how to start a conversation
and i'll pretend that i don't hear your condescension
i've been like this all my life
don't you think that you're a little late with your little advice

open ended questions my ass
go ahead try dissecting what's interesting from my past if you want to

it's like when i used to try to go to dances
and i'd end up in the corner by myself just crying
but i'm on the bus home and it's happening again
if i can't pull myself together how can i make friends

don't take away this invisibility cloak now
i'd try to be more like you but i know i don't even know how

and one of my friends is a dragon
and i think maybe i should be a dragon too
but when everything i care about is flammable
i'm not sure that's the prudent thing to do
and one of my friends is a shape shifter
and i'm not always sure who that is
and the wester sky's bright red tonight
and it could be the sunset or it could be the burning of all of my bridges and

this must be loneliness i hardly have any friends but
when i imagine meeting anyone all i can think about it how i hate everyone
Track Name: first kiss
this might be a love song
and i thought i wouldn't write a love song
but here we are
and i think this is sort of a love song

and i haven't seen you in years
but i hope someday we will meet again
and i haven't kissed you in years
and i wonder if we'll ever kiss again
and i wonder if you'd even want to kiss me again
and i'm not sure that i'd even want to kiss you again
well i think i'd like to kiss you again

and i remember when i rejected you
and i'm still not sure that that was the right choice
and i remember when you rejected me
and i wrote angsty poems for months
but i don't mind and anyway
you'd already given me my very first kiss and nothing's gonna take that away

and it's funny the things that we hold onto
and tell ourselves we must never forget
'cause it turns out anyone who gets close to me has to like my stink
and that's just how it is

and there are things that i've meant to tell you
but when I had the chance i didn't say a word
and mostly i just want to thank
and i don't know why that's been so hard
so thank you for checking in
and asking before everything we did
and asking again and asking again and checking in and checking in
you made it seem so natural like that's just what everyone did
and i can't believe that i took that for granted

and i said i couldn't believe that this was happening
and you were visibly upset
you had told me how you felt months before
and i didn't know what to say
cause it's not that i didn't believe you
it's more like the words didn't compute
calling myself unlovable was just how i got by
i never was rejected and i never was surprised
so thank you for that surprise

and maybe someday you'll hear this song
and maybe you'll know that it's about you
and maybe that'll get me off the hook
for all the things that i've wanted to tell you
Track Name: fuck canvassing
there's nothing quite like company vacation
the partie, the booze, and the sex, and the networking opportunities
there's nothing quite like sharing a ski condo with your boss
there's nothing quite like company vacation

there's nothing quite like getting back from vacation
when you realize you've got nothing to look forward to
except going door-to-door in -20 degree weather
and you'll find out that's not legal* but not for a month or too

there's nothing quite like 80 hour work weeks
and you figure that you're making less than $6/hr*
and you're running on coffee you're running on fumes you're running on bullshit
and if you take away my bullshit i will probably collapse

there's nothing quite like when no one makes quota
telling person after person you're not good enough to make a difference
but you gotta figure it's probably your fault
and you're the one who's not good enough to make a difference

and any hope that you were doing something good is leaking out through the corners of your eyes
and it's getting hard to breathe

there's nothing quite like finding a folder labeled fat kids
after yr boss tried to reassure you that campaign wasn't about that
and the organizations you're fundraising for
are racist, classist, trans-exclusionary liars

and there's nothing quite like getting in trouble
just for listening when someone tells you how the work you're doing is hurting her
and there's nothing quite like being afraid to tell your housemates
that the campaign you've just been assigned is the one that you all know hurts them

and any hope that you were doing something good is leaking out through the corners of your eyes
and it's getting hard to breathe

there's nothing quite like trying to quit
and your boss keeps you on the phone for over two hours
and he says "if you quit now, all your work will be for nothing"
and you're not ready to admit that it was already for nothing

and any hope that they were gonna let you go is leaking out through the corners of your eyes
and it's getting hard to breathe

*please see "about this track" and poop on your boss's desk.
Track Name: not a song
maybe i should write a song
do you think i should write a song?
oh but i can't write a song

oh no, i can't write a song
cause i don't got no story
got no story and i got no feelings

got no feelings cept this pain
cept this pain with no story
so i can't write a song bout this pain

cept this pain that tells me that i can't write a song
cept this pain that whispers that my feelings they aren't real

so i can't write a song bout this pain